Proud and defiant, we'll slay the giant...

In the great battle between myself, the lowly undergraduate knight, and the big, fire-breathing beast that is Banner...I emerged victorious!

After the frustrating skirmish, the Banner Beast is defeated, not to be wrestled again until March 2009.

I really am excited about my schedule for next year. After much stress about getting into the classes that I need, I’m happy to say that everything worked itself out...which it has a way of doing. I anticipate the classes to be difficult, but I’m finally done with my gen. eds., which in and of itself makes my heart leap with joy. For the first time in my college career, I’m taking all classes that I want to take. *Cue hallelujah chorus* Well, for the most part anyway!

First Semester
PLS 300: Political Analysis
       Monday, Wednesday: 4:30-5:45 pm
WRT 305: Writing in the Disciplines
       Monday, Wednesday: 6:00-7:15 pm
PLS 206: American Constitutional Foundations
       Tuesday, Thursday: 8:30-9:45 am
PLS 340: Mass Media and American Politics
        Tuesday, Thursday: 10:00-11:15 am
LIB 372: American Mass Culture
         Tuesday, Thursday: 4:00-5:15 pm
Be sure to note the lack of Friday classes! That’s right--3 day weekends for a whole semester!

Second Semester
MGT 355: The Diversified Workplace
        Monday, Wednesday, Friday: 11:00-11:50 am
PLS 205: The Policy Process
       Monday, Wednesday: 3:00-4:15 pm
PLS 240: The Holocaust
       Tuesday, Thursday: 10:00-11:15 am
MES 201: Introduction to the Middle East
       Tuesday, Thursday: 1:00-2:15 pm
PLS 341: Elections and Voting Behavior
        Tuesday, Thursday: 3:00-4:15 pm
I’m trying to get into a class on International Food and Culture this semester. I’m currently on a waiting list, so I’m keeping my hopes up. I think it would be really helpful with my job at Stanz.

All in all, I’m really excited. I know that I’ll have my work cut out for me, but I’m feeling really optimistic. I’m really looking forward to this summer and coming school year. I feel really comfortable with my schedule for next year, and even have a tentative one worked out for my senior year.

The best news of all...I think I’ll be out in 4 years. Then, D.C., here I come!

Now I’m off to study for GEO and research the Rwandan genocide.

Love,
m.e. <3

Crack the darkest sky wide open...

Upon attending rehearsal last night for the student film that is being filmed this weekend, I was informed that I am to wear either a yellow or an orange shirt as my costume. Do I own any yellow or orange clothes? Of course not! The only two colors that are not in my wardrobe!

So, of course, I needed to go out today and buy a shirt. Shopping! I grab Kyle, hop in my Jeep, and proceed to drive to Target. I drive about a half a mile, and my car stalls on Laker Village Drive...at the busiest intersection at the busiest time of day. Drivers around me are obviously annoyed, and I'm embarassed beyond all belief, and I have no way of getting my car to start again. Obviously, I have no idea what to do.

Then, out of the swarm of cars, an SUV pulls in front of me and this guy gets out and comes to my window. "I have a tow cable with me. It's the least I can do to pull you guys to a parking lot."

And that's what he does.

He hooks my dead Jeep up to his giant SUV, pulls it to Lot G, opens the hood to see if he can tell what's wrong, then offers to call DPS for me. Once he helps Kyle and I push the Jeep into a parking spot, he leaves, not telling us his name or expecting anything in return.

Just when you start to think that people are only in it for themselves, someone breaks through and breaks the norm, and restores my love for humanity.

Now, poor, poor Charlotte sits at a repair shop in Allendale, awaiting diagnosis on Monday. I'm inconviently without a car this weekend, and am prediciting huge expenses in my future. I'm frazzled and in over my head, but in looking back on today, I have to smile through the tears of frustration.

So, to the random guy who towed my Jeep to Lot G, without even expecting so much as a thank you...

Thank you...whoever you are.

And to all of you who are have all but given up on the state of humanity, read this story and be comforted (as I have been) that there is still hope.

Love,
m.e.

Snowflakes that stay on my nose and eyelashes...

It has officially been over three months since I've last written...which is not  good considering that at the beginning of the semester I vowed to write at least twice a week! No use dwelling on broken promises. Moving forward...

Winter has always been a difficult time for me. The frigid cold, being buried under feet upon feet of snow, the bitter wind, and the lack of sunlight all culminate into making me quite cranky and driving me absolutely insane. Some days, I swear that I'm going to take an early retirement and move to Hawaii. However, overall I would say that this winter has been better than most. Weather-wise it's definitely been tough, but emotionally I think I'm doing relatively well. I still have bad days (like yesterday) and I still get really emotional every so often for no apparent reason, but I think I'm beginning to learn how to work through and deal.

Though Grand Valley is covered in snow and the tundra that is Allendale is still quite nippy, some days I can really feel spring in the air. Take today for instance. While walking to class this morning, I heard a chorus of birds calling back and forth to each other. The sun is shining today...and not merely shining, I could actually feel the sun on my face, a sensation I don't think I've experienced since at least October.  It's nearly blinding when it reflects off the snow and ice.

This semester is going well...much better than the previous. In general, I have better classes with better professors, which makes everything a lot more tolerable. I'm 110% convinced that the professor is really what makes the class. My favorite class this semester is PLS 202: American Elections and Campaigns. It's extremely timely and relevant, and really makes me think. The professor is amazing. My least favorite class is GEO 111: Exploring the Earth, but sciences have never been my strong point. I loved collecting rocks when I was little, but I could really care less if it's igneous...or the other one...???

I was cast in a short student film recently called I Suspect. Interesting plotline, to say the least. It's about two roommates, Anthony and Doug. I play Doug's girlfriend. I actually have quite a few lines. Being on camera still feels foreign to me, even after filming a few episodes of Between You & Me, and it's still extremely weird watching myself on TV, but doing the actual filming is great. I auditioned last week, was cast this past Saturday, have a rehearsal for it tonight, then we film on Friday and Saturday--quite the whirlwind. This is being done as a senior project for a class, so it should premier sometime in April. I think I'm excited to see it...

I'm applying for internships in Washington, D.C. for this summer. One of them is a paid internship at the Supreme Court, another is an unpaid internship doing PR work for the Red Cross, and the final one (the one I really, really, really want) is an unpaid internship at the White House. Yes...I said the WHITE HOUSE!!! I actually have a chance to work for the President of the United States this summer. They only choose 100 interns out of thousands of applicants from around the United States, but I'm keeping my fingers crossed. I applied to work in Scheduling, Communications (with the press secretary!), speechwriting, or in the First Lady's office. I'm personally hoping for speechwriting, but I'm trying not to get my hopes up. I need to be accepted first! I would love to spend the summer in D.C., but honestly, I would also be content spending one more summer in Berrien Springs. I love my job at Stanz, and it would be wonderful to spend a few months with my family and be able to go up north. Quite honestly, it's a win/win situation, which doesn't happen very often. We'll see how everything plays out.

I signed my first lease a few weeks ago for next school year. I'll be living in Campus View with a couple of amazing girls I know through theatre (Arielle and Nina), and one that I don't really know yet, but am looking forward to knowing (Britney). It's a four-bedroom townhouse. It's adorable. I'm really excited. It was a little scary signing a lease--I've never signed anything so permanent and binding. I think it was good for me. I really feel like I'm growing up and gaining some independence, which feels amazing. I'm looking forward to next year.

I've been hanging out with some different people and have been making some new friends, and reconnecting with a few from high school. My weekends have consisted of a few parties, movies, good food, and shenanigans with my boyfriend...and his boyfriend. =) Haha.

Last Saturday, Kyle took me ice skating downtown at Rosa Parks. It was so much fun. I've now gone ice skating twice this winter and have absolutely loved it. I used to go nearly every weekend in the winter when I was younger and I didn't realize how much I've missed it. I guess that's one bonus of winter! After we skated, we went across the street to Starbucks for their amazing hot chocolate, then went to the mall to see Jumper with Hayden Christiansen. It was actually pretty good. I'd recommend it. The best part, however, was  seeing previews for the new Indiana Jones movie coming out in May and The Happening, M. Night Shymalan's new movie. After the movie we browsed around FYE and spent over an hour in Barnes & Noble. As a result, my list of books, CDs, and movies I want has significantly increased. It was a really nice day.

Billy Joel, Elton John, Bruce Springsteen, and the soundtracks to Ragtime and Rocky Horror (especially Ragtime!) are what's playing most on my cute green iPod these days. I'm currently obsessed with my adorable pink rainboots, peanut butter smoothies from Kirkhof, tweaking my resume, clips of vintage Sesame Street on YouTube, and Kyle's impression of Dr. Evil.

All in all, life is going well. I'm slightly homesick, I'm insanely tired of winter, but I'm happy. I'm happy, and extremely blessed by the handful of amazing people in my life...and the one that knows how to keep me sane. The dreaded day that is Wednesday is over, and I'm looking forward to a good weekend. Partying with Nicholey Saturday night and going to the Oscars with Nina, Jade, and Kyle on Sunday!

If you made it to the end of this, congratulations! Now go do something productive! I'm off to go tanning and do some homework before Kyle gets out of class.

Hope this finds you all well.

With all my love,
m.e.

Up there in lights...

I long to find my niche...to find that one thing in life that I love, that brings me joy, and in which I can experience success. I'm constantly trying new things, hoping each time, it will be something I'm good at, and something that makes me feel good about myself.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm doing myself a disservice by trying so many things, instead of just picking one to focus on. However, I don't like missing out on new experiences, so I try to seize each new opportunity that comes before me.

I can look at my family and friends and can easily pinpoint their strengths and talents. If asked, I could rattle off a list of things that the people in my life are good at and succeed in, but I honestly can't think of one thing I could use to even start my list.

It seems that the things in my life that bring me joy, I find no success in. For instance, if I'm being perfectly honest, what I'm most passionate about, the thing that makes my heart beat with joy and excitement, is theatre. Everything about it literally takes my breath away. The acting, the lights, the costumes, the words, the prospect of endless rehersals...literally, everything.

My absolute favorite class this semester (and in my short college career) has been my Intro to Acting class. I love the work, the professor, my fantastic classmates...I really don't know what I"m going to do with this class (or, at the very least, some other form of theatre class) next semester. I actually want to do the homework for this class. I actually look forward to 1:00 on Tuesdays and Thursdays to go to class. Lately, CTH 151 with Roger Ellis and all of its crazy moments and people has grown to be the highlight of my week.

Last Tuesday, I volunteer to work backstage for Turtle Island Blues.  I've never worked backstage on a show before, but since the Green Show ended, I've been dying to be part of a production again. I love just being in the PAC. I love having an excuse to walk into the theatre and feel its presence. I know that sounds lame, but I can't describe the overwhelming feelings of comfort and excitement I experience whenever I enter this building. It's not a sense of belonging per se--when I'm there, I always feel like a stranger intruding on a family dinner. It's more of a feeling of reverence, like one would feel entering a church.

Yesterday was my first day of working a tech rehersal. It was a dry tech, which means there were no actors involved, just the director, the two stage managers, the two lighting guys, and me. Basically the entire night, from 4 to 10 pm, was spent working out the lighting ques. Where did I come in? I stood in the different spots on the stage where the actors will be stading during their performances, so they could make sure that the lighting looked right. Seriously, that's what I did: I stood in other people's future limelight, but I loved every minute of it.

I was with five other people, in an empty theatre, with no lines, no audience, and nothing to perform, but I felt such a rush. I had to fight back the tears stinging in my eyes standing on the stage and feeling the lights on me. I know it sounds pathetic. I know that my playing stand-in for the lighting crew makes no real difference to the production of this show, but it made a difference to me. It allowed me to feel, even if just for a few hours, what it feels like to be onstage.

After that tangent, I guess one could say that I'm passionate about theatre. The problem? I'm awful at it. As much as I long to be onstage, I can't. I want to be good, but I can't seem to find that extra...something to set me apart.

Doing the Green Show was one of the best experiences I've had at college. I'm so grateful I was cast. However, in some ways, it makes me sad because I tasted what it was like to be a member of cast, and it's only left me thirsting for more. I don't understand why I have such a passion for something I can't constantly be a part of. I don't understand how I could love something so much, and not be able to do it. I dont' understand why I have such a want, such a need to do something that I can't fulfill.

This goes beyond just the desire to act and be onstage. It's so much deeper. Doing the Green Show, being part of a cast, I felt complete. I was a part of something bigger than myself. I was depended upon, counted on. I was needed. (I miss the Green Show...) I learned in CTH 151 that at its core, acting is about relationships, namely with the audience and who you're acting with. However, I believe it's also about the relationships you form along the way, with each show. For me, this isn't just a desire to act, this is a desire for community.

Once again, I find myself at a crossroad. (It seems I've been finding myself at a lot of these lately.) I can either abandon my love of theatre, accept the fact that I'll never be more than an audience member, accept the fact that I'm not quite good enough, and keep searching for a niche. Or, I could keep on trying. Honestly, right now I'm torn. Going to auditions has become my hobby. I'm ready to have theatre become my hobby. Not getting cast a majority of the time is hard. It's frustrating. It makes me want to cry, but I can't give up.

As strange and illogical as it may be, theatre is my passion. I may be bad at it, but it's what I love. I have to believe that one day, everything will pay off. I have to believe that one day, I'll land a role. As difficult as it is, I cannot give up. If I've wanted something this bad, for as long as I can remember, without any real idea why, then there must be a reason.

So for now, I'll keep my eyes open for auditions flyers. I'll keep auditioning. I want this. I need this, and I'm going to fight for it. I obviously won't be accepting an Oscar or a Tony anytime soon, but hopefully with a lot of effort and a lot of luck, the next time I find myself standing on a stage, I'll have a few lines and an audience. =)

<3 m.e.g.

P.S. If you haven't already, go to www.myspace.com/kendallpayne and listen to the songs "Burning Embers" and "I Will Show You Love." Seriously, fantastic...especially if you're a hopeless romantic.

Call the trying times your friend...

Whoever coined the phrase "too blessed to be stressed" was obviously slightly out of their mind...or at least not a college student at the time.

I'm quite blessed. I won't deny that. i realize that I'm very priviledged to be living the life I'm living. I'm aware that I "have it easy." I know full well that there are people who have far more on their plate than I do. If I listed out everything that is currently causing me stress, most peple would read it and think, "This is nothing compared to what I'm dealing with."

I know all of this. However, for reasons unknown, I feel like I'm slipping into this pit, and I'm not sure how to get out. I'm just so stressed out. I don't know how else to describe it. The most frustrating thing is that I can't pinpoint the things in my life that are causing me to feel out of sorts. One day, everything is fine, the next I feel awful, then the next day, I feel fine again. I'm sick of this constant emotional roller coaster.

Some days, I feel like crawling into bed, pulling the covers over my head, and never coming out. Others days, I feel like running away from everything and starting over again. However, I know that not only are these options illogical, they're cowardly. So, it appears that I'm faced with the choices of fight or flight...and I'm trying to chose fight. I need to do something to re-motivate myself. I just need to figure myself out. As cliche as it sounds, I need to find myself.

I'm not too blessed to be stressed, but I'm too blessed to give up...